Emotional breakdown or breakthrough~ what do I really know??

I have three more nights, and two more days here, and I can not even begin to express how much I am looking forward to going home and being with my family, and taking a shower!

 

Last Thursday, August 24, I had  an emotional and mental melt down that has lasted about five days, although the brunt of it was over in three.  This is my story.  I still have not recovered in some ways: you will see what I mean.

 

During the preceding week, I had asked a question of my ancestors, through the bones.  It was one of those simple yes/no questions.  I asked the question twice, on different days, and each time I re-confirmed the answer twice.  PH was there, also reading the answer.  On Thursday, what the bones had said would not come to pass, in fact did.  I was thrown for a loop.  It took about 24 hours for me to fully feel just how thrown off I was by this event.  And, to make matters worse, my period started later that same night.  I don't know exactly why, but when a woman trainee is in her cycle, she is quarantined.  I could not go into any of the rooms with muhti, or the office, where the computer is.  I was basically cut off from contact with people.  So, my stuff was stirred by the bones, and I had to sit with it: no one to help me sort it out.  I was alone with my own mind, and I am not sure that that was a good thing.  I started crying uncontrollably on Thursday night, and it finally ended on Sunday afternoon.  And this is the (I still haven't sorted this whole thing out) issue:  The ancestors did not have to tell me yes to my question, when they could have said no.  I came here so that I would have all doubt  with the spirits removed.  Now, my bones lie.  How will I know when they are telling the truth?  I will still have to be on guard, still questioning all that comes in from NOR.  I wanted to have the doubt removed. I want to be able to trust, to just know what I know.  I don't want to have to question.  I want to have confidence that I have "heard", "felt", "seen" the right answer from my ancestors/helping spirits, and just go with it.  And now, my bones have lied to me.  And then I sank lower.  Why did I even come here to Africa?  Why did I force my family to sacrifice, so that I could be here?  What have I gotten out of this experience?  And then I began to experience just how alone I feel, how homesick I am.  Not having the computer, and people who know me and care about me to talk to was really hard.

 

Saturday, Mamba came into my room to talk with me.  He is a healer, except, he is different.  He is about 65, and about 6 years ago, his ancestor began coming to him in dreams, and he hasn't undergone training with any human.  He has only worked with his ancestor.  And he is really interested in spiritual stuff, and we have really good deep conversations.  The ancestor turned his world upside down 6 years ago when he came.  Mamba was a devote Christian, and had been all his life.  His ancestor began to show him the lies the Church had been feeding him, and Mamba had a very real existential crisis.  His whole belief system was dismantled, and he is slowly rebuilding it.  He is very hungry for discussions on spirituality.  So, Mamba didn't think my moon time was a problem, in fact, his ancestor specifically had him bring 9 (that's nine) things for me to bead into necklaces.  His ancestor saw this time as a power time, and wanted that energy in necklaces.  And he stayed and talked with me while I beaded.  And I began to tell Mamba about what was bothering me.  I had moved past that my bones told a lie, to begin questioning some of the other things PH was teaching me.  Some of the behaviors that PH attributes to the ancestors, I was starting to have problems with.  There was a woman who came in with throat cancer.  PH told her (from reading the bones) that her father was angry because he had not received the proper burial ritual, and he was causing the cancer.  She needed to do the ritual, and then he could give her the muthi to cure the cancer.  The thing is, is that she had been to two other traditional healers, and they had told her the same thing.  I have been taught with Shamanism, that the spirits are ego-less.  I have gone through the journeys around death and dying, and I have seen where spirits go when they cross over, and I have seen the process they go through before they are set free to work on behalf the beings here on earth.  I have experienced only love from these healed beings.  So, what does this mean?  It could mean that these are spirits that are still caught in the middle world, and haven't crossed over, or, it could mean that this is a belief system that isn't going to work for me.  Mamba also has problems with a father causing cancer in his daughter.  We came to no conclusions, but we had a very nice discussion about some of the things I am learning, that I am having problems fitting into what I have already experienced within Shamanism.

 

So, where am I now?  No where near as naive as I was a week ago.  No where near as settled as I was a week ago.  Instead, I am back to the place where I have to thoroughly examine information/teachings that come in, and let my gut decide what to keep, what to toss, and what to "just wait and see".  I can't move into this system, it's not my culture.  And, PH's teachings may no longer work even in his culture.  He is 82, and life around him has moved forward.  It may be that the new healers, like Mamba are bringing about a system without the punishing ancestors, that the current generation of Swazi's may be more willing to accept.  I don't know, I am just wondering.  I also don't know how being here has changed me.  I am too close to the experience.  I will have to wait for others to tell me what they see, and I will have to give time for this experience to settle "in my bones".  I do know that my journeying has changed.  Last night I journeyed to my ancestors.  I realized that I didn't know where to go, so I just set my intention.  And afterwards, I realized that I didn't go anywhere.  It was a very unusual experience.  I had a great conversation with them, and got good information.  It was just different.  So, this is where I am.  Did I get what I came for? I think yes and no.  I have the ancestors, and I know they are with me all the time.  I still have doubt and trust issues, and I hope those with disappear with time.  This is all for now.  I will be home in four days, very grateful to my family for seeing me through this.  Shilo

Comments

[Colleen Deatsman]

Shilo, I honor your willingness to go into your process all the way. You are an awesome healer and only awesome healers are willing to do the really gut wrenching work that you are doing. I honor you for your strength, courage and honesty with yourself, the Spirits, ancestors and shamanism. Bless you brave seeker, safe travels home and ease and grace for a smooth re-entry. Love, Colleen

[Elise Cummiskey]

Shilo,
This reminds me of some things I went through along the way .My personal lesson was about trusting my self .It was also about not turning the Spirits into Gods and despots.I had to learn it was more of a fifty fifty propsition.Each side having an equal piece of the job to do.I learned I did not have to work with Spirits that played rough with me.That I had choices about how I wanted to work and with whom.
I also learned that the work for me is right here where I am.It was very painful but necessary for me to understand.